Friday, June 12, 2009

Adventures with an African scammer - Part 6

This time Kelvin managed to open the massive attachment, and immediately recognised Chester’s “error”:

Dear Chester Williams

After receiving the attachment of the airway bill when I open it I find out that you did not send the phones to Ghana you send it to Gambia and I told you early that Ghana is the country I am staying not Gambia the Two country are deferent countries they are not one

All you have to do as soon as you receive this mail is to go back to the FedEx office where you from send the package to Gambia and when you rich there tell them that you made a mistake that you are to send the package to Accra Ghana not Gambia so that they should call the package back from Gambia and send it to Accra Ghana

Here is the address I give to you before where the package should send to but you live it and send the phones to Gambia instead of Accra Ghana. Bellow is the address you will send the phones so that I can receive it [huh?]

Receivers Name: Emeka John Paul
Phone Number; 0249141364
Address: 34 new achimota plazer,
Accra Ghana

Please as soon as you receive this mail print out this information here and take it to the FedEx office and give it to them and tell them that is the address you want to send the package to but you made a mistake and send it to Gambia that they should send it to this address

Thanks and I will call you today

[I Can’t wait!! The Lusty lines ladies are ready to entertain you...]

Mr. Kelvin

I had to come up with some fresh ideas now.

What else could I do to entertain Mr. Kamwe? What idiotic things could I come up with now?

I did some professional research by using the ultimate research tool - Google. I looked at the map of Ghana and Gambia, and for the first time figured out where these places were. Maybe this could inspire some new ideas:

Gambia and Ghana are both located on the western coast of North Africa, close to the Ivory Coast, Sierra Leone, Nigeria and all those other filthy stink-holes.

The two countries are about 2000km apart from each other.

The intelligence community has the following to say about “The Gambia”:

“The Gambia is a source, transit, and destination country for children and women trafficked for the purposes of forced labor and commercial sexual exploitation; women and girls, and to a lesser extent boys, are trafficked for sexual exploitation - in particular to meet the demand for European sex tourism - and for domestic servitude; boys are trafficked within the country for forced begging and street vending; Gambian women and children may be trafficked to Europe through trafficking schemes disguised as migrant smuggling”

This is what the CIA has to say about Ghana:

“illicit producer of cannabis for the international drug trade; major transit hub for Southwest and Southeast Asian heroin and, to a lesser extent, South American cocaine destined for Europe and the US; widespread crime and money laundering problem, but the lack of a well developed financial infrastructure limits the country's utility as a money laundering center; significant domestic cocaine and cannabis use”

In other words, these are a bunch of scaly characters, all thrown together in a real shady corner of Darkest Africa.

They are not the poor sods you see on TV, who sit in a refugee camp around a large bowl of dirty soup, wearing nothing but an old worn blanket.

Before my esteemed readers begin to feel sorry for these bastards, just remember that these scammers are the scum of the earth. They will steal your baby to make money - they will even sell their own children and mothers, if anyone was in the market to purchase them. This “Kevin” character is a true example of the “African Renaissance” in action.

Chester suddenly realised his awful mistake, and apologised profusely:

Dear Kevin,

My apologies friend, I have made a horrible, horrible mistake. Yes, you have told me lots of times Ghana not Gambia, Ghana is the place, not Gambia. Oh, I feel so stupid now.

I am so sorry, I always confuse the dilapidated countries with each other, they all seem to be the same. I looked on a map, and I see now that at least the mistake is not too bad, it is probably only 2000km apart from each other.

I have been speaking to Fedex about the problem, and they are looking into it.

As soon as I hear from them, I will let you know what happens

My sincere condolences, I made a big mistake.

Please be forgiving and patient.

[Sincere condolences?? dilapidated countries?? - bwahaha.]

Chester tried to bargain with the FedEx guys, but they were not being very helpful.

The government of Gambia is extremely bureaucratic, and they won’t allow FedEx to reroute the package out of Gambia without proof of where the package is going.

FedEx had apologised for the delay, but rules are rules, unfortunately:

Dear Kevin,

I have talked to Fedex, but there is a slight problem here. Firstly, they don’t like delivering to any place that was not on the original waybill. They already have the package in the offices at Serrekunda, Gambia. This is my fault, I have explained to them, but things are a bit muddy now.

The Gambia government is very strict and will not allow them to smuggle the package out of the country without proof of the indignity of the recipient, Emeka John Paul.

I need all the additional derisory information. I have given them the phone number 0249141364, but they say they need proof of identification from the person who will receive the package, and proof of address. This is needed to get the package delivered in Ghana. Without this information they will confiscate the package.

So, this is not really a big problem, all we need from you is the ID document, or passport, or drivers licence from Emeka John Paul, and all would be fine.

I am sorry for the obnoxious inconvenience. If you could send me that ID information I would be happy to send it on to them for redundant clearance. I am sure it is only a premeditated overbearing procedure and then all would be well.

My sincere commiseration about the ambiguous delay, hopefully this will be finalised soon.


Here is the message from FedEx:

Dear Mr. Williams,

We apologise for the inconvenience caused in the delivery of your package to Ghana. We are, however, under pressure from the Gambia government not to release this package without having the following details from the recipient
in Ghana:

1. Full name:
2. Delivery Address:
3. Any official identity document
as proof of identity (passport, driver’s lizence or national ID document)

Again, we apologise for this inconvenience. We value your frequent business and assure you that your account with us is one of the most important relations we have with Lehman brothers. We will do anything we can to assist you in this matter.

In order for us to expedite this delivery, please provide information as required.

Yours sincerely,
Eugene Terreblanche
Fedex General Manager - Southern African region

Here I directly referred to smuggling - this did not lift any eyebrows in Ghana...

“proof of the indignity” - haha

Synonyms for “derisory” are as follows: ridiculous, insulting, laughable

“I need all the additional derisory information”

commiseration about the ambiguous delay” :

“Obnoxious inconvenience” - bwahaha

Of course, the poor sod doesn’t know who Eugene Terreblanche is. Better for him that he doesn’t. The “Lehman brothers” comment still did not get his attention.

Kelvin was extremely rude this time, and seemed to have become a little suspicious by now:

Dear Chester Williams
I dont understand what they mean by i should provide the receivers ID to them ever before they can deliver the package to the receiver here that is lie and i can do that because is ilegal if they demand for such if they need any ID they should ask you to provide it because you are the person that made the mistake not the receiver

Since you made a mistake and tell them to correct it all they have to do is to correct it but if they say no tell them to retune it to you so that you will look for another company and send it as for me i can not ask the receiver to give me his ID so that i will send to them because that has not been done any where in this world

If they can not deliver it here in Accra Ghana to the address i send to you let them forget about it. Mean while i will like to know why you don't want to give me your phone number because i have to phone number from you now and each of them any one i called they will tell me is wrong number here is the two number you give to me and no one is your own +27 082 897 1018 another one is this +27 720 756701. what is going on please

Mr. Kelvin

Just like that - not even one decent punctuation mark - totally unacceptable.

I love that “retune” phrase - how do I retune something? “I tune you a lekka story my bra”, they would say in Cape Town...

I somehow got the idea that this bloke was becoming a bit suspicious - don’t know where I got that from. I now had two options:

Option 1 was to beg for mercy and sing the party tune.
Option 2 was to hit back, hit him right between the eyes and see him beg for mercy.

I didn’t really know what to think about the phone calls.

Would he really spend money on me? I felt really flattered - I never thought he’d really call all the way to South Africa. I wish I could have overheard those conversations.

Chester was, after all, a well-known Lehman brothers partner, and it was time for him to show ol’ Kevin who was boss:

Dear Kevin,

I am sorry, but I do not make the rules. I have given my commiserations and apologies, what more can I do? I would have thought you would be thankful for this very expensive phone you are receiving, but it seems you are being very selfish and a bit un-cooperative indeed, if I may say so.

The courier company already has all my ID details. But, as I explained incongruously before, the Gambian government has its own rules and cannot be bothered by what I have to say about it.

I have friends in many places all over the world, and I am trying to get some favours from some of them. Maybe I can get this stimulated in a positive way.

But in the meanwhile, I really need an ID document. It can be anyone, as long as it is a legitimate person with a real address in Ghana. They want that as proof of where this is going, because they are suspecting drug smugglers and are encouraging the courier companies to be meticulous in aiding these smugglers.

The other idea I was thinking about was, can we get the Global Courier Service Company to collect the package in Serrekunda, Gambia? They can surely do that for us, can’t they? Don’t you work with them?

I don’t know why you are not getting through to my phone number. This is puzzling me in a mirthful way. Have you dialled the correct codes? I do a lot of travelling internationally, and my calls get relayed to my secretary when I am not available. But she should be putting you in touch with me. It may be that she is not aware of who you are. I will let her know that if a call comes from Gambia she must put it through or take a message. Oh no, I made that mistake again – I mean Ghana of course.

You can also try this number; it is my satellite phone number: +61881631430772. If a guy answers, tell him you are looking for Chester Williams, the code word is ZULU. This guy is my personal assistant; he will know where to find me.

All my numbers get relayed to my secretary, which is the problem. I am extremely busy and am not always available for conversations. If they do not let you through, it may be because I am in a meeting, or I am out of the country for a business trip.

Please just leave a message if you cannot find me.

In the meanwhile, if you could get us that ID, I will be able to encourage the speediness of the transaction and delivery to Ghana will happen soon.


Some of the dodgy words I used:

Incongruously - inappropriately, absurdly

Mirthful - joyful

Meticulous - thorough

“...are encouraging the courier companies to be meticulous in aiding these smugglers.” Bwahaha

Chester was really throwing the punchlines now, and old Kevin was still mirthfully playing along...

I enjoyed cornering him about “Global Couriers” - why couldn’t they collect this package in the first place?

Read about Chester’s next move later on...

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