Lately I’ve been watching episodes of a series on Animal Planet called “Finding Bigfoot”. It’s a painful experience, but somehow I keep on watching – hoping that maybe one day they’ll actually find the ugly bugger.
These folks hang around in the woods at night making howling noises and growling and hitting trees with sticks, all in the hope of getting a reply from Ol’ Bigfoot.
They have wild theories about what kind of food these things eat, where they like to sleep and what their favourite baseball team is.
None of these theories have been based on any facts though.
These blokes walk around in the middle of the night wearing night vision goggles, thermal cameras and all sorts of paraphernalia.
They try the weirdest tricks, from leaving a baby doll crying in the woods to setting up massive fireworks in the middle of the night. None of this has attracted any major “Sasquatch” attention.
They refer to so-called “sasquatch behaviour” like experienced scientists, you’d swear they actually lived in a sasquatch community before becoming humans. They expertly inform the public of bigfoot traditions and culture as if it’s actually been proven. They even have a “Bigfoot Field Researchers Organisation”, which of course is not biased towards the existence of Bigfoot at all.
The funniest part is when they declare an area as “very squatchy” - with eyes wild open, like that actually means something.
It also doesn’t help that one of these blokes calls himself “Bobo” …
They go around talking to thousands of so-called eye-witnesses. Some of these even have videos or photos to “prove” what they saw. Of course, the videos are always grainy and badly focussed – almost as bad as real UFO footage.
After watching endless footage of green night-vision and thermal camera shots of people howling in the woods, I still haven’t seen one single piece of evidence that even slightly points to the existence of this huge 8 foot animal.
So far all that they have found were coyotes and bears and crazy hunters with shotguns walking the woods at night.
I’m starting to develop my own conspiracy-theory. Maybe the government is hiding evidence of Bigfoot because they know that the public would realise that their politicians were all bred in captivity and raised by huge monsters that look like Robert Mugabe, training them to take over the planet and abuse tax payers funds.
But there is good news. This week a bunch of nerdy blokes announced that they managed to capture a terrorist called Higgs Boson. They trapped him in a 27km long tunnel and they are going to publish photos of him soon.
I’m sure these guys will be able to find Bigfoot. Just bring along that Hadron Collider thingy – install it in the woods and presto, Mr Bigfoot will soon be appearing on the front page of the Times next to his buddy Mugabe.
Why am I always the first to think of these things?