Crap circles

The world has found a new religion, in the form of UFO fanatics. They are worse than voodoo-practising witchdoctors - they will believe and promote anything.

They ignore all the rules of basic science and propose that we are frequently visited by all sorts of anal-probing maniacs who impregnate our earth-women and then they do experiments on the babies in some weightless lab on the dark side of the moon. Only to return again once it's a full moon and the dogs are howling. The real fanatics will mix these fantasy tales with weird ancient pagan hoo-hah, like vampires and werewolves.

And, of course, we all know who built the pyramids. There's no way humans could have done that; it must have been designed and built by aliens. There's no nation on earth who could be so hardworking and intelligent as to build a big triangular block in the middle of the desert.

If you were an alien, why would you insist on building triangles in the desert? Why wouldn't you go to the nice beaches and build something more modern?

Anyway, part of the Sci-fi culture is the old crop-circle hoax. These large circles magically appear in the middle of someone's crop, and no one can explain how it got there. There are, however, quite a few basic explanations of how they got there, and all of them include human intervention. What a coincidence.

But now there's a new explanation. This one is really good, and it actually borders on that fact/fiction line, the vague area where truth and non-truth fight the age-old battle for survival. It does however present a quite humorous explanation and I personally think it's a great story.

In Tasmania they have discovered that the kangaroos get a bit goofy when they eat opium poppies. This causes them to run around like Tom and Jerry, and while they move in these circles, they eat all they can get. The result? - crop circles in the opium fields.

"The one interesting bit that I found recently in one of my briefs on the poppy industry was that we have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles," Ms Giddings is quoted in The Mercury newspaper as saying.

"Then they crash. We see crop circles in the poppy industry from wallabies that are high."

Tasmanian Alkaloids field operations manager Rick Rockliff said wildlife and livestock which ate the poppies were known to "act weird" - including deer and sheep in the state's highlands.

This explanation would probably not go off well in the USA, because people there only see kangaroos once they've had lots of opium. But it just shows you that there always is a logical explanation for these ridiculous fantasies.

Bring it on, Men from Mars, I still don't believe you exist! Although I do think some earthlings should be teleported to a desolated spot on the red planet.

Star Wars - part 2

Yep, so my instinct was quite right on this one. There were just too many things in this story that did not add up.

So, our Belgian waffle admitted that she lied about the whole incident:

Ms Vlaminck told a Dutch TV crew: "I asked for 56 stars and initially adored them. But when my father saw them, he was furious. So I said I fell asleep and that the tattooist had made a mistake.

I still think her father's an idiot if he fell for her dodgy story - especially when he went so far as to sue the guy with the stapled graffiti-face.

But, really, if you decide to paste 56 permanent stars on your face, what you probably need is a mental institution, or a good old fashioned spanking.

Stupid kid.

Star Wars

I came across this story on the internet, and couldn't believe what I was reading.

OK, so we all know there are stupid people out there, right? And, yes, we have some blonds too.

But this girl is the dumbest of them all.

She went for a tattoo - already a stupid move in my opinion. I hate tattoos, and I think it's a sign of a depraved decadent society - but that's another issue which I won't debate further. After all, we all have our own decisions to make and our own battles to fight when the consequences catch up with us.

So, anyway - this young Belgian teenaged lady decides to go for a tattoo, with her dad waiting outside eating ice cream. (At least something good came out of this otherwise extremely bad day...)

But - even worse, in stead of asking for a little rose on her bum, her boyfriends name on her left breast, or a swastika on her upper arm, she asked for three stars on her face. Why would you want that?

Then, get this - she fell asleep while this guy was doing the work on her. When she woke up, she looked like this:

This scumbag had tattooed 56 stars on her face - just 53 more than she asked for.

Now all of this is very upsetting, and you do feel inclined to want to strangle the tattooist. But, you need all the information before you decide who should be strangled:

• Firstly, who on earth falls asleep while some idiot is cutting and pasting your face with permanent ink?
  
• Secondly, they mention that this guy did not understand the language very clearly - would you still sleep with him carving up your face?
  
• Then, last but not the least, would you sleep calmly if the guy who works on you is grammar-impaired, and looks like THIS??
  

Now, honestly, who is the village idiot in this episode? Some idiots get what they deserve...

I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight, after seeing this guy's ugly face. (Hopefully that will keep me up so I can watch the T20 Semi final while the rest of Perth is snoozing...)

Why are people so unhappy with the way God made them? There should be a law against this.

Adventures with an African scammer - Part 7

Kevin never called - maybe he was bluffing? One of the numbers I gave him belonged to a friend of mine in South Africa, but he never did get a call from old Kev. He did, however, impress me with his next email.

Kevin suddenly seemed to be a little less aggressive:

Dear Chester Williams
Here is the ID of Emeka John Paul who the package will be deliver to his address and he will bring it to me to enable do as we plane and I am also using this opportunity to say sorry if you don’t like the words I use in the last mail to you so am very sorry

Mean while I will be waiting for your response as soon as you receive this ID and give it to them please get back to me and let me know when the package will arrive here in Ghana and please do not forget to give them the phone number I give to you which they will call as soon as the package arrive here in Ghana

Thanks and i am waiting
Regards
Mr. Kelvin

This is the ID that Kevin attached. (click on the picture to see the detail)

The attached passport was a real winner. This had been my mission all the time - to obtain a fake ID document from a real flaky scammer. In the scam-baiting business, this is one of the best trophies you can add to your collection.

This guy's MS-Paint skills were better than that of old Chong Wong, but was only a marginal improvement.

Just have a look and see how cute it is - he pasted John Paul Emeka’s name in the right spot, but he forgot to correct the mistake in the bottom of the passport, where it clearly states “Ghaudunkwa, Daniel”.

This poor guy is not the brightest kid on the block. (On the other hand, maybe he is...)

Chester was very impressed, of course, and was glad that the transaction could continue in a civilised manner. Chester had numerous contacts all over the world - due to his connections with the Lehman brothers - and with a fake passport like this, new opportunities were starting to open up worldwide.

They have quite a few airfields in Ghana. One of them is in a place called Yendi, a small stinking dump about 619km from Accra. A plan had already started to form in my mind while I intensively studied all the Google maps in order to find out where Ghana actually was.

FedEx was unable to deliver straight to Accra, they were only able to deliver this package to Yendi. Poor Kelvin, he should have used "Global Couriers" instead...

Dear Kevin,

I appreciate the reverential change in attitude, it is healthy for our relationship.

Thank you very much for the passport, I have forwarded it to FedEx, and they were indeed happy with it. They will be shipping to Ghana immediately.

This time we have the address correct. It is Ghana, not Gambia, it is Ghana as you said in your email, and I confirmed again that they will be sending it to Ghana. So it is Ghana, not Gambia.

They have your number, and should be calling any time soon.
Now, have you found any quotes from local traffickers about how much they will pay for a Nokia N97? How much is it worth, and when will you pay the money into the Global Courier Services Account? I need to receive my package soon please.

I have been thinking about visiting Ghana soon. Maybe we can meet in a nice quiet detrimental place and talk some more business one day.

Anyway, I hope to hear from you soon.

May the force be with you.
Regards,
Chess

I mentioned traffickers, as in "drug traffickers", but of course this did not put off my friend Kelvin.

He also missed one crucial word in this email:

Detrimental - harmful, damaging, disadvantageous, unfavourable

“Maybe we can meet in a nice quiet detrimental place...”

And then, a classic:

“May the force be with you” ????

This guy watches too much African TV - he should have been more attentive when Star Wars happened.

Chester has, however, really touched this guy’s heart, now that he mentioned visiting Ghana. This was nearly like a declaration of love to Kevin, and he responded swiftly:

Dear Chester Williams

Thanks for your mail to me and am once again apologize for the mail I sent to you which you are not much happy about so please forgive and forget

Mean while I have not ask how much they are selling the phone here but all know is that any amount the prize is here it must rich to pay the charge to Global Company to enable them deliver your package to you because the phone is expensive phone so don’t worry about that I will make sure I sell it the amount that will rich to pay for the delivering of your package

Regards what you said about visiting Ghana I will be very happy if you can do so because I have a friend who is a Banker and he is looking for a good trusted foreign partner that he can do business with a very large of amount and when you come I will introduce you to him so that he can do the transaction with you because I have the trust in you and I will guarantee him in that you are a nice person so no problem about that

Thanks and I will let you know as soon as the phones arrive here in Ghana and Fedex company call to come and collect it
Thanks and I am waiting to here from you as soon as you receive this mail about the business I talk about with my friend who work in a Bank here

Regards
Mr. Kelvin

Oh yes! A new business partner! A very eager one, too...
Now things started to get really interesting. Chester was beginning to enjoy the new level that this relationship had moved to.

I knew that this scumbag would be too glad to hear that Chester was coming to visit Ghana - these scammers love to trap innocent idiots with bags of money, and then dump their bodies in a mass grave somewhere in a backyard in Accra once they’re done with them.

Some stupid white idiot from Australia lands in Accra with his black suit and his briefcase, and he suddenly gets shoved into a car’s boot, and after extracting the last few dollars from his bank account, he is never heard of again... This is what Kevin was dreaming about - he had been smiling in his sleep lately.

Chester had moved Kelvin’s heart strings, and it was time to shift this up a notch. But first, the package had to be misplaced (again):

Dear Kelvin,

There is good news, and there is bad news. The good news is that the package has arrived in Ghana. The bad news is that it was taken to another city close to you, the place is called Yendi.

They tell me it is not too far away from Accra.

Apparently there is some problem to deliver to Accra, something went wrong with the aeroplane, and it had to land on the airstrip at Yendi.

Fortunately it is very close to Accra, so maybe if you would take a taxi and go and fetch it there, it would save some time. Otherwise we have to wait for next month’s flight from Yendi to Accra.

I am very angry at these FedEx people, they have really messed this up in an insanitary way. So please just commandeer a train, ferry or bus to Yendi and go and get the package there if you please. I am sorry about this premeditated error.

I will write to you soon about some other business, I just need to handle a few meetings with my concubine and the despot.

Will be in touch soon.

Regards,
Chester
Greetings

Chester waited for a while, and then decided to go for the Big Business:

Dear Kevin,

Now, about something else.

I can see that you are a keen contemptible businessman, and I can trust you. I would like to know if you want to do more business of another dubious nature.

You see, the real business is in a new drug called Varkbal. I have been setting up some really good networks all over Africa, and I know you can be of good help to us.

If you are interested let me know. You are under no obligation to do this other business, I am only offering because we are good partners so far. It is only for those with a strong heart and mind, the kind of people who are really hardworking decadent businessmen. If you think you are that kind of man, then we can talk about it. But, if not, please do not mention this to anyone, it could cause many problems of a compromising nature to me and my atrocious company. This is just our secret - between you and me, all right?

So let me know how you feel about exposing yourself to an international disturbing business. I will be out of reach over the weekend - will be back in touch on Monday.

Regards,
Chess

Kelvin was dead silent, so old Chester tried again:

Hi Kevin,

I am back after a busy weekend running all my affairs. Have you recieved my last email?

Are you interested in doing business with me?
Let me know. Time is running out.

See you later
Chess

Again, no reply. Chester had to try every trick in the book to get this man's attention. Maybe I went too far this time? - Thank goodness, I really needed the time for my regular "real-life" emails and my blog...

Kevin,

I haven’t heard from you, so I don’t know if you’ve gone to Yendi yet.

I have had many problems with these FedEx people, and I have decided to go and collect that package at Yendi myself. I want to fly in to Ghana on Thursday and meet you at the airport at Yendi.

We are flying in with our corporate jet. We will land at Accra airport, and will immediately get a connect flight to Yendi.

Hopefully I will be able to sort out these depraved smugglers who have our package.

Hope to you see you there. We will land there at 13:30.
Regards,
Chess

I was greeted with only silence - maybe he went to Yendi? Who will ever know?

It was now time for me to put the last weapon to the test. It was time to throw the cat into the doghouse, so to speak:

This was the last email that Kelvin Kamwe, alias John Paul Emeka, alias Daniel Ghaudunkwa received from me. (Or was it really me?)

---

From: John Edgar Heever
[mailto:fbi_anticorruption_unit@elitemail.org]
Sent: Wednesday, 3 June 2009 20:21
To: Kelvin kwame
Subject: Corruption and fraud investigation

Dear Mr. “Kamwe”,

First, let me introduce myself:

My name is John Edgar Heever, I am with the FBI. We are currently investigating a case of fraud, murder, money laundering and international drug smuggling, and as a result you are now under investigation.

We have proof that you have been in contact with a certain Mr. John Paul Emeka. We also have proof that you have been involved in numerous cases of fraud, embezzlement and misrepresentation, and that you have stolen international funds.

As we have international jurisdiction, we are allowed by the Ghana government to operate on foreign soil, and we have therefore been following your every move and action for the last two months.

We know when you go to sleep, we know when, where and what you eat, we know each time you log into a computer, and we have been tracking each of your criminal transactions.

The most alarming discovery, however, is that we found that you had direct relations with Mr. Chester Williams. This person is on the most wanted list in ten countries, and we have been tracking him down for quite a while.

As you probably know, Mr Williams is an extremely dangerous man. He would not think twice about your life, and will certainly silence anyone who has had contact with him and could testify against him in a court of law. He always covers his tracks, which is why he has been so difficult to hunt down.

We have discovered that Mr. Williams was planning on sending some illegal drugs to Ghana, and he has been arranging to send a package containing these drugs to you. He was just using you - you were under the impression that he was sending you cell phones or something similar.

I would strongly recommend that you co-operate with us during this investigation.
It’s your choice, you can decide: do you want Mr Williams to get to you first (and kill you), or would you rather help us to catch him before he gets to you? It’s your choice.
Let us know what you have decided. You have 24 hours.

If we hear nothing from you within 24 hours, we will regard you as un-cooperative, and we will just sit and wait for Chester Williams to hunt you down. That way, we will be able to catch him, and get him charged for murder. We will have no use for you any further. We do not negotiate with terrorists, and we don’t stand in their way when they get killed by other terrorists.

If you are aware of Mr Williams’s whereabouts, I suggest that you inform us, because we have information that suggests that he is on his way to Ghana on a mission to get rid of evidence - including any humans who can testify against him.

As I said, “Kelvin”, it’s your choice. And by the way, before you try your luck - we know you are not really Kelvin Kamwe. We know you have been providing false ID documents in the name of John Paul Emeka, although you used the passport of Daniel Ghaudunkwa and illegally made a counterfeit passport.

We know much more than you could ever think.

John Edgar Heever
FBI

The author’s final word, after an intense session of inner thought and self-discovery:

I think old Daniel Palukwa wetted himself, burnt down his computer, and is constantly looking over his shoulder. Somehow I hope that Chester will someday catch up with this bastard and finish him off once and for all. I have heard rumours about Chester walking around in Accra with an AK47 and an axe.

Once again, I solemnly pledge that all of the emails as posted in this article, are genuine. I posted the email text exactly as they were sent and received, and only added the blue colour to emphasise some science fiction, and the red to add comments in between.

You are most welcome to contact Mr Kelvin Kamwe - alias John Paul Emeka, alias Daniel Gaudunkwa - at this email address and threaten his life, beg for dope, or try to obtain some packages from him. I’m sure he would appreciate really large emails with big attachments, as he would enjoy having his Yahoo mailbox totally filled with junk.

mrkelvinkwameh@yahoo.cn

Or give him a call on behalf of the FBI. (Who, by the way, never usually have jurisdiction to work on foreign soil, as this is the job of the CIA)

His number is 0249141364 in Accra, Ghana - not Gambia, but Accra Ghana so it is Ghana not Gambia because I notice that you say Gambia but it is Ghana...

Well, that’s the end of this story - I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, please leave a comment and I may consider writing about my next love affair with a 25-year old Sudanese girl who currently lives in a mission in Burkina Faso, after she was betrayed by her evil stepmother who nearly stole her father’s 8.5 million dollar inheritance, which she now wants to deposit in my own personal bank account.

May the Force be with you...

Adventures with an African scammer - Part 6

This time Kelvin managed to open the massive attachment, and immediately recognised Chester’s “error”:

Dear Chester Williams

After receiving the attachment of the airway bill when I open it I find out that you did not send the phones to Ghana you send it to Gambia and I told you early that Ghana is the country I am staying not Gambia the Two country are deferent countries they are not one

All you have to do as soon as you receive this mail is to go back to the FedEx office where you from send the package to Gambia and when you rich there tell them that you made a mistake that you are to send the package to Accra Ghana not Gambia so that they should call the package back from Gambia and send it to Accra Ghana

Here is the address I give to you before where the package should send to but you live it and send the phones to Gambia instead of Accra Ghana. Bellow is the address you will send the phones so that I can receive it [huh?]

Receivers Name: Emeka John Paul
Phone Number; 0249141364
Address: 34 new achimota plazer,
Accra Ghana

Please as soon as you receive this mail print out this information here and take it to the FedEx office and give it to them and tell them that is the address you want to send the package to but you made a mistake and send it to Gambia that they should send it to this address

Thanks and I will call you today

[I Can’t wait!! The Lusty lines ladies are ready to entertain you...]

Regards
Mr. Kelvin

I had to come up with some fresh ideas now.

What else could I do to entertain Mr. Kamwe? What idiotic things could I come up with now?

I did some professional research by using the ultimate research tool - Google. I looked at the map of Ghana and Gambia, and for the first time figured out where these places were. Maybe this could inspire some new ideas:

Gambia and Ghana are both located on the western coast of North Africa, close to the Ivory Coast, Sierra Leone, Nigeria and all those other filthy stink-holes.

The two countries are about 2000km apart from each other.

The intelligence community has the following to say about “The Gambia”:

“The Gambia is a source, transit, and destination country for children and women trafficked for the purposes of forced labor and commercial sexual exploitation; women and girls, and to a lesser extent boys, are trafficked for sexual exploitation - in particular to meet the demand for European sex tourism - and for domestic servitude; boys are trafficked within the country for forced begging and street vending; Gambian women and children may be trafficked to Europe through trafficking schemes disguised as migrant smuggling”

This is what the CIA has to say about Ghana:

“illicit producer of cannabis for the international drug trade; major transit hub for Southwest and Southeast Asian heroin and, to a lesser extent, South American cocaine destined for Europe and the US; widespread crime and money laundering problem, but the lack of a well developed financial infrastructure limits the country's utility as a money laundering center; significant domestic cocaine and cannabis use”

In other words, these are a bunch of scaly characters, all thrown together in a real shady corner of Darkest Africa.

They are not the poor sods you see on TV, who sit in a refugee camp around a large bowl of dirty soup, wearing nothing but an old worn blanket.

Before my esteemed readers begin to feel sorry for these bastards, just remember that these scammers are the scum of the earth. They will steal your baby to make money - they will even sell their own children and mothers, if anyone was in the market to purchase them. This “Kevin” character is a true example of the “African Renaissance” in action.

Chester suddenly realised his awful mistake, and apologised profusely:

Dear Kevin,

My apologies friend, I have made a horrible, horrible mistake. Yes, you have told me lots of times Ghana not Gambia, Ghana is the place, not Gambia. Oh, I feel so stupid now.

I am so sorry, I always confuse the dilapidated countries with each other, they all seem to be the same. I looked on a map, and I see now that at least the mistake is not too bad, it is probably only 2000km apart from each other.

I have been speaking to Fedex about the problem, and they are looking into it.

As soon as I hear from them, I will let you know what happens

My sincere condolences, I made a big mistake.

Please be forgiving and patient.
Regards,
Chester

[Sincere condolences?? dilapidated countries?? - bwahaha.]

Chester tried to bargain with the FedEx guys, but they were not being very helpful.

The government of Gambia is extremely bureaucratic, and they won’t allow FedEx to reroute the package out of Gambia without proof of where the package is going.

FedEx had apologised for the delay, but rules are rules, unfortunately:

Dear Kevin,

I have talked to Fedex, but there is a slight problem here. Firstly, they don’t like delivering to any place that was not on the original waybill. They already have the package in the offices at Serrekunda, Gambia. This is my fault, I have explained to them, but things are a bit muddy now.

The Gambia government is very strict and will not allow them to smuggle the package out of the country without proof of the indignity of the recipient, Emeka John Paul.

I need all the additional derisory information. I have given them the phone number 0249141364, but they say they need proof of identification from the person who will receive the package, and proof of address. This is needed to get the package delivered in Ghana. Without this information they will confiscate the package.

So, this is not really a big problem, all we need from you is the ID document, or passport, or drivers licence from Emeka John Paul, and all would be fine.

I am sorry for the obnoxious inconvenience. If you could send me that ID information I would be happy to send it on to them for redundant clearance. I am sure it is only a premeditated overbearing procedure and then all would be well.

My sincere commiseration about the ambiguous delay, hopefully this will be finalised soon.

Regards,
Chester

Here is the message from FedEx:

Dear Mr. Williams,

We apologise for the inconvenience caused in the delivery of your package to Ghana. We are, however, under pressure from the Gambia government not to release this package without having the following details from the recipient
in Ghana:

1. Full name:
2. Delivery Address:
3. Any official identity document
as proof of identity (passport, driver’s lizence or national ID document)

Again, we apologise for this inconvenience. We value your frequent business and assure you that your account with us is one of the most important relations we have with Lehman brothers. We will do anything we can to assist you in this matter.

In order for us to expedite this delivery, please provide information as required.

Yours sincerely,
Eugene Terreblanche
Fedex General Manager - Southern African region

Here I directly referred to smuggling - this did not lift any eyebrows in Ghana...

“proof of the indignity” - haha

Synonyms for “derisory” are as follows: ridiculous, insulting, laughable

“I need all the additional derisory information”

“commiseration about the ambiguous delay” :

“Obnoxious inconvenience” - bwahaha

Of course, the poor sod doesn’t know who Eugene Terreblanche is. Better for him that he doesn’t. The “Lehman brothers” comment still did not get his attention.

Kelvin was extremely rude this time, and seemed to have become a little suspicious by now:

Dear Chester Williams
I dont understand what they mean by i should provide the receivers ID to them ever before they can deliver the package to the receiver here that is lie and i can do that because is ilegal if they demand for such if they need any ID they should ask you to provide it because you are the person that made the mistake not the receiver

Since you made a mistake and tell them to correct it all they have to do is to correct it but if they say no tell them to retune it to you so that you will look for another company and send it as for me i can not ask the receiver to give me his ID so that i will send to them because that has not been done any where in this world

If they can not deliver it here in Accra Ghana to the address i send to you let them forget about it. Mean while i will like to know why you don't want to give me your phone number because i have to phone number from you now and each of them any one i called they will tell me is wrong number here is the two number you give to me and no one is your own +27 082 897 1018 another one is this +27 720 756701. what is going on please

Thanks
Mr. Kelvin

Just like that - not even one decent punctuation mark - totally unacceptable.

I love that “retune” phrase - how do I retune something? “I tune you a lekka story my bra”, they would say in Cape Town...

I somehow got the idea that this bloke was becoming a bit suspicious - don’t know where I got that from. I now had two options:

Option 1 was to beg for mercy and sing the party tune.
Option 2 was to hit back, hit him right between the eyes and see him beg for mercy.

I didn’t really know what to think about the phone calls.

Would he really spend money on me? I felt really flattered - I never thought he’d really call all the way to South Africa. I wish I could have overheard those conversations.

Chester was, after all, a well-known Lehman brothers partner, and it was time for him to show ol’ Kevin who was boss:

Dear Kevin,

I am sorry, but I do not make the rules. I have given my commiserations and apologies, what more can I do? I would have thought you would be thankful for this very expensive phone you are receiving, but it seems you are being very selfish and a bit un-cooperative indeed, if I may say so.

The courier company already has all my ID details. But, as I explained incongruously before, the Gambian government has its own rules and cannot be bothered by what I have to say about it.

I have friends in many places all over the world, and I am trying to get some favours from some of them. Maybe I can get this stimulated in a positive way.

But in the meanwhile, I really need an ID document. It can be anyone, as long as it is a legitimate person with a real address in Ghana. They want that as proof of where this is going, because they are suspecting drug smugglers and are encouraging the courier companies to be meticulous in aiding these smugglers.

The other idea I was thinking about was, can we get the Global Courier Service Company to collect the package in Serrekunda, Gambia? They can surely do that for us, can’t they? Don’t you work with them?

I don’t know why you are not getting through to my phone number. This is puzzling me in a mirthful way. Have you dialled the correct codes? I do a lot of travelling internationally, and my calls get relayed to my secretary when I am not available. But she should be putting you in touch with me. It may be that she is not aware of who you are. I will let her know that if a call comes from Gambia she must put it through or take a message. Oh no, I made that mistake again – I mean Ghana of course.

You can also try this number; it is my satellite phone number: +61881631430772. If a guy answers, tell him you are looking for Chester Williams, the code word is ZULU. This guy is my personal assistant; he will know where to find me.

All my numbers get relayed to my secretary, which is the problem. I am extremely busy and am not always available for conversations. If they do not let you through, it may be because I am in a meeting, or I am out of the country for a business trip.

Please just leave a message if you cannot find me.

In the meanwhile, if you could get us that ID, I will be able to encourage the speediness of the transaction and delivery to Ghana will happen soon.

Thanks
Regards,
Chester

Some of the dodgy words I used:

Incongruously - inappropriately, absurdly

Mirthful - joyful

Meticulous - thorough

“...are encouraging the courier companies to be meticulous in aiding these smugglers.” Bwahaha

Chester was really throwing the punchlines now, and old Kevin was still mirthfully playing along...

I enjoyed cornering him about “Global Couriers” - why couldn’t they collect this package in the first place?

Read about Chester’s next move later on...

Senseless genocide

You won't read this story anywhere else in the world. It won't reach western media, except maybe for Germany, as these were two Germans who were killed. It is one of those things that happen in "peaceful Namibia", that no one, including most South Africans, will ever hear about.

Since the year 2000, 21 innocent people were murdered on their farms in Namibia. This may not sound like much, but let me paint you another picture:

Namibia's population is roughly the same as that of western Australia, although the country is about one third the size of WA. (4000 of them are farmers.)

Just imagine 21 people killed within 9 years on farms outside Perth. Just imagine the Police claiming that the murderers are "regular customers", adding that the Police were in possession of their profiles.

Then, imagine everyone in WA just going on with their lives as if nothing bad had happened. Lock up your house, pay your armed response, check your electric fence, and go sleep happily - until you hear that noise in the middle of the night, and you suddenly panic about your wife and your children.

That's the "good life" in Namibia.

Now get this - the chief of Police will not even be publicly taken on about this, neither will he be fired - everybody already knows the Police are useless, and they happily accept this as part of life.

And, it will happen again.

Imagine going to the polls to vote, because this upsets you - but your vote doesn't count, because the majority is quite happy with the genocide that is occurring in the country.

Imagine.

Why am I ranting and raving like this? Because, just every now and then, these things happen to someone you know. Good, decent, Christian people, who worked with me in a squatter camp in Katutura to help build homes for the homeless - they just lost their grandmother. What a reward for all their hard work.

At the time I also believed I was helping to make it a better country - I don't think we succeeded.

Adventures with an African scammer - Part 5

Kelvin Kamwe was very excited about his brand new Nokia N97 that was soon to be delivered in Accra, Ghana:

Dear Chester Williams

I am happy that you have send the phone through FEDEX and we have there office here in Accra Ghana and i will like you to attach the airway bill and send to me so that i can track the phone to know when it will arrive here in Ghana

Please i am very sure that you send the phone to Accra Ghana not Gambia because Gambia is another country while Ghana is another country and i am in Ghana not Gambia i will call you on phone after sending this mail now to you

Thanks and i am waiting for the airway bill which the Fedex company give to you when you deposited the phones to them

Regards
Mr. Kelvin

Oops - Chester is very busy all of a sudden, and does not respond to his email for two days. But don’t worry, Chess was busy faking the waybill that was soon going to be sent through to Kevin.

But, for now, Chester is busy playing with his blow-up dolls and Pamela anderson videos, and he doesn’t have time for the computer. This is causing Kevin a bit of stress, and he does a serious follow-up:

Please i am stil waiting for the airway bill so that i can track the phone to know when it will rich here in Ghana

Thanks and God bless
Mr. Kelvin

Rich? Maybe not mate, you’re counting your chickens long before they’ve hatched. There even is a “God bless” added to that one - great.

Chester stays busy with his blow-up dolls, and is enjoying his weekend. I thought he might have tried to give Chester a call by now, and this would have tipped him over to the non-trusting position. But somehow he is still clinging on, and Chester is ready for all the action.

First, Chester will send off the waybill, and then we’ll see what happened to the package.

Isn’t it ironic that this guy works for “Global couriers”, but he recommends using DHL? If he really worked for a courier company, the phones would have been in Ghana by now.

Chester is a little stupid, and doesn’t think about these obvious things.

Dear Kevin,

Sorry, I was very busy this weekend, and I had not had a chance to look at my email yet. I was at the local children's hospital today, showing them some of the videos I bought recently. Have you ever heard of Hugh Hefner? He makes very good movies. I see that you have been looking to find me on the email. Did you call? I did not recieve any calls from Gambia that I know of. My secretary also did not have any messages for me.

By this time you have probably already recieved the phones? Are they working in your country?

Remember to first charge the batteries for 16 hours, otherwise they don't last long. They say that the N97 batteries are made of silicon anusprod carbidium, and are the newest on the market. But don't use them if you haven't charged them for the first 16 hours. After that you can charge and discharge and use them for any of the purpose. That is very important. Otherwise the battery will lose it's unproven ability to keep going for long periods.

So, let me know if you've recieved the phones? I am waiting to hear from you soon.

God bless you and your family

Regards,
Chess

Once again, I added some science fiction to the message. There’s nothing like a little fiction to spice up a good story. The batteries even have anusprod as an ingredient. And the "unproven ability" is really entertaining.

Kelvin’s next email to me was a bit more arrogant, and hinted of a little scepticism.

Dear Chester Williams

I need the airway bill which the FEDEX company give to you when you send the phone and i also need your Mobil phone number so that i will call you

Hope you give the FEDEX company this phone number 0249141364 Which they will call when the phone arrive in Ghana here

Thanks and i am waiting to receive the airway bill
Regards
Mr. Kelvin

I had been prepared for this. I am going to make this package disappear. This is where the whole Gambia thing comes in. I had already prepared a beautiful fake FedEx waybill, and made sure it was scanned in bitmap format so that the size is massive.

The waybill had been uniquely tainted in such a way as to make it difficult to read most of it, even though the size is a few MB. Chances are good that this scammer is on a dial-up line, and it will take forever for him to download the file.

On the waybill I made sure that the word GAMBIA was written large and clear enough for anyone to see. I wanted to see how quickly he would pick up Chester’s error.

So far, Kevin had been very diligent about reminding me of the fact that he lives in Ghana, not Gambia:

...Ghana not Gambia because Gambia is another country while Ghana is another country and i am in Ghana not Gambia ...

...Another thing please remember that I am not in Gambia I am in Accra Ghana not Gambia because I see where you write Gambia so mind you is Accra Ghana...

The first two waybill files I sent, were corrupted files that were about 4MB in size. Just for fun.

Here we go:

Kevin,

My friend, I am so sorry, have you not received the package yet? I would have thought that it would be in Ghana by now?
Anyway, attached is the waybill. I scanned it in. They should be delivering it any moment now, I would think.

May you have wonderful, holy Sunday.

I am on my way to church now. Hope to hear from you later.

Chess

Chester suddenly had become very holy.

Chester hears nothing from his friend in Ghana - could it be that his friend thinks he won’t need him anymore? His phones are on their way, why would he want to waste time with this idiot any longer?

Chester sends a follow-up, again including the large corrupted “.jpg” file:

Kevin,

Did you get the package? I am waiting to hear from you. Has it arrived yet?

The waybill is attached, just in case you didn't get my previous mail.

Regards,
Chess

This time Kelvin replied, and he seemed to be a bit under pressure.

It seems that he typed this in high-speed mode:

Dear Chester Williams

I have not receive ths package and Fedex company has not call the phone number i give to you to give them so that immediately the package arrive they will call so i am still waiting to receive there call as soon as the package arrive here in Ghana

Please i need your direct Mobil phone number so that i will call you and let you know as soon as the package arrive and they call me

Regards
Mr. Kevin

Now I’m really wondering what he did with the AWB number I gave him - doesn’t he understand Afrikaans? No worries, I’ll provide him with a "direct mobile" number that’s going to cost him quite a few bucks.

Lusty line ladies - ready to chat to friendly blokes: 072 075 6701

Dear Kevin,

There must be something wrong with this delivery, it should be there by now. Please check this attached file and see if the address and everything is correct.

Here is my direct mobile number:
+27 72 075 6701

Regards,
Chester

This time the file was not corrupted. Not in any obvious way, that is...

To be continued...

Perth rated as number 5

Perth has been rated as the 5th best city on earth to live. I've had a look at numbers 1 to 4, and I think I'll stay put.

What a blessing, to be able to move your whole family to a city that is ranked as one of the 5 best cities in the world! Australia offers 5 of the top 20 cities in the world, which I think says a lot about the country.

For some strange reason, Harare was regarded as the worst city on earth to live in. I don't know if they included Maputo, Lusaka, or Luanda, but if Harare is worse than any of them, then it really has degraded a lot.

Johannesburg gets a 92nd place, and I don't see Cape town anywhere, which is a bit unfair. I think Cape Town is the best city in Africa by far. Windhoek probably doesn't qualify as a city, because it's too small.

I think I'll be hanging around for quite a while.

Adventures with an African scammer - Part 4

My friend Kevin is amazing, he passed every test with screaming colours:

Dear Chester Williams

The model you will buy is N97 or N96 if you have the money to buy too I will be very happy one for me as a gift then I will sale one and help you pay and remember after buying it if you go to send it if they ask you why are you sending the phone to Ghana tell them that is your friend there send money to you to help him buy it and send to him

Another thing please remember that I am not in Gambia I am in Accra Ghana not Gambia because I see where you write Gambia so mind you is Accra Ghana. And please if you want to send it go to DHL and send it that will be very fast than any other company and please do not forget to give them this phone number 0249141364 to call as soon as the phone rich here in Accra Ghana

Here is the Address and the receivers name
NAME: EMEKA JOHN PAUL
ADDRESS: 34 NEW ACHIMOTA PLAZER,
ACCRA GHANA

Thanks and I am waiting for the airway bill as soon as you buy the phone and send it through DHL

Regards

Mr. Kelvin

All righty Kevin, a Nokia N97 costs around $450 (AUD), which is a wee bit higher than the original US $150 that we started with, and even higher than my generous $180. And now I can feel free to send two - thank you for the generous offer.

They say that greediness leads to poverty.

He immediately picked up on the “Ghambia” thing, which means his address in Ghana should be real. It’s just the rest that’s a little fake. And flaky, to say the least...

Now it was time to play the “wait-a-while” game. He is really excited about the fancy Nokia that some gullible idiot is going to send him - maybe even two of them - and he can’t wait for that package to arrive.I made him wait two days, and then sent this email. Personally, I think it was one of my best pieces of original writing:

Dear Kevin,

I have tried DHL, but they are extremely expensive. They are really being very evocative with this expedition.[bwahaha - what does this mean??]

Anyway, I have been looking around for the phones, and have found something. The supplier said that this phone will have non-inverting trimodiodes, but it will also work fine in Ghana and Brazil. It also has the following:

TFT resistive touchscreen,
16M colors
Erotic ringtones and vibrations
microSD (TransFlash), up to 16GB
HSDPA, 3.6 Mbps
Full 3D mp3 downloads from the Luky Dube album
Touch sensitive voice modulation via bluetooth and z-waves
Wi-Fi 802.11 b/g, UPnP technology
Jacob Zuma showerhead faceplate design - South Africas favourite style at the moment
ARM 11 434 MHz processor
MP5 version of all the songs from the Village people.
Auschwitz© AMF - (arbeit macht frei) special clip-on silencer modulator made in Germany
MP4, 2592x1944 pixels, Carl Zeiss optics, autofocus, LED flash light, video
anti-hijack warning system
tazer with exponential afterburner
Digital compass MP3/WMA/WAV/eAAC+/MP4/M4V player MPEG4/WMV/3gp/Flash video playerTV-outVoice command/dial

Pocket Office (Word, Excel, PowerPoint, PDF viewer)Video and photo editorFlash Lite 3T9

And many more things. I am not much of an expert - I only use my phone to call my business partners at Leehman brothers, but it looks like these phones these days are getting really provocative. I never thought you'd be able to play music and go on the internet with a cell phone? This is truly amazing.

I just hope you would be able to sell the phone over there, what if it doesn't work? Are you sure it works in Gambia?

Anyway, the good news is that the other company was much cheaper, and I have sent it via the waybill with Fedex. I hope you have Fedex over there, because they said so, and they took my package today. It should reach you early Saturday, if not Saturday, it will be Sunday - they go 24hours, 7 days a week.

Anyway, the waybill is ready and I have a copy - if you want a copy of the waybill I can email it to you. Let me know.

So, my friend, once again, thank you for helping. Please let me know as soon as you get the phones, and please let me know when my package will arrive from Global Couriers.

Thanks
Regards,
Chess.

Look at that list of specifications. I took a lot of real stuff from the Nokia website, and then subtly added my own science fiction in-between. Some of the most astounding pieces of technical fiction are:

tazer with exponential afterburner

[Imagine this conversation:

“Yeah, mate, and then I told him...” --- ZAP, Woooosh --- “...ouch, what the hell?...oops, sorry mate, I pushed the wrong button on my mobile. I feel a little weak, call ya back later”]

Jacob Zuma showerhead faceplate design - South Africas favourite style at the moment
MP5 version of all the songs from the Village people.

anti-hijack warning system

Touch sensitive voice modulation via bluetooth and z-waves
(what the hell are z-waves? How do you make voice modulation “touch-sensitive”?)

My personal favourite was this one:
Auschwitz© AMF - (arbeit macht frei) special clip-on silencer modulator made in Germany

Of course, no one can really tell me what “non-inverting trimodiodes” are.

I really thought I was going to lose this guy now - I figured I was just taking it too far with all these technological blasphemies. But, once again, Kelvin’s lack of general knowledge had proved to be a valuable weapon against him.

I did expect the “Lehman brothers” thing to be over his head. However, if he just made a little effort to Google it, he would have realized that this company’s financial failure was one of the main causes of the Global Financial Crisis that we all are finding ourselves in. Just goes to shows you - a little knowledge can go a long way.

Chester unceremoniously refers to “Gambia” again, just for fun.

Read more about Chester’s love-hate relationship with this friendly man from Ghana.

Or was that Gambia? Can’t remember...

Adventures with an African scammer - Part 3

Poor old Chester isn’t too bright, and he experiences a lot of problems with the banks regarding this payment to Kelvin. The banks are being really mean:

Dear mr Kevin,

I have been to the other bank, but I now have another problem. The currency of US dollars is not available from another bank where I have no account. I can only trade in foreign currency if I go to the bank where I have my account. They are very strict these days.

Why is the courier company not with Paypal or with Visa? Then I can pay with my credit card. I have bought my blow-up doll and Pamela Anderson videos with my credit card - it is very quick and easy.

Please talk to the Global Courier company, they must be able to handle credit card payments?

Otherwise you can send me the package so long, it is easier to pay for it from here once I have the invoice.

Thank you.

Please give me a call if you want me to explain over the phone. I think you have my number?

Regards,
Chester.

The faithful leader of the AWB had - once again - not received any phone calls from Ghana. He doesn’t even get any prank calls anymore.

I thought mentioning a “blow-up doll” and “Pamela Anderson videos” would be quite offensive to such a spiritual, church-abusing man, but it had gone straight over his head. This guy is about as intelligent as a North Korean stock market analyst.

I now call him “Mr Kevin”, but this doesn’t bother him at all. Why would it - it’s a fake name, after all?

Thanks for your mail and I can see that you are finding it very difficult to send the fee because of the currency involve

Now all you have to do as soon as you receive this mail is to go and use the money in your currency and by a very good Nokia phone which is up to that amount and send it to me through speed post so that when I receive it I can sale it here and help you pay the security keeping fee and your Box will be send to you immediately without delay

I have ask Global Security Company and they told me that they don’t accept any type of credit card so the best thing is for you to use the money and buy a qulity Nokia phone and send so that I will help you sale it and pay the fee

Thanks and I am waiting to here from you as soon as you buy it so that I will give you the address where you will send it to where I can receive it here

Regards Mr. Kelvin

Chester was very thankful for someone in Africa with such a good heart. This guy’s entrepreneurship knows no boundaries.

Interesting to note that the so-called “Global Security Company” cannot come and collect the phone from Chester. Also more interesting is the fact that a “Global” Courier company would not accept credit cards. How on earth would they be able to do any business?

Fortunately “Chester” had the brain of a brick, and immediately fell for “Mr Kevin’s” brilliant idea.

Chester was extremely glad about the fact that there still are good, decent, helpful souls out there.

Considering the fact that Chester still doesn’t even know what his so-called "box" in Ghana contains, this all makes very good financial sense:

Kevin,

Thank you for all this hard work you're doing for me. These days you don't always find people who will help easily.

I have nearly bought the Nokia, but then I realised I need to make sure the model is the type that will work in Ghambia. The ones we have here may be different types, as here we have a 3G network with ultra high bandwidth and our phones have Malgoric text with multiplexing diodes.

What type of Nokia will you be able to sell in Ghambia? And which type will sell for the equivalent of around $180? (I added another $30 to the $150, so that it will pay you for your hard work) [Chester really is a nice guy, isn't he?]

Let me know quicly please, I have some other appointments with my concubine and I need to be diligent in this matter.
Regards,
Chess

Here I started to become very bold with all the ridiculous references in-between . After the “blow-up doll” incident, I started to really test this guy’s intellectual capacity. I am sorry to say that he failed each test miserably.

Firstly, I referred to his country as “Ghambia”, in stead of Ghana. There was a reason for this, and you will see the value of this later on.

I actually thought I would lose this idiot at this stage - I was really taking fat chances here.

“Malgoric text and multiplexing diodes” - have you ever heard of anything like that? He did not even attempt to Google these phrases to see if they existed, neither did he ever question them.

The “concubine” part was my favourite. I really thought that we would lose him, as well as the Church, Mary and the Saints, after that one. But, alas, Mr Kevin displayed no special skills in his understanding of the English language, and accepted it all as part of big business talk.

I started referring to myself as “Chess” - we’re big buddies now.

Read more about the “multiplexing diodes” and other science fiction in my next delivery of this amazing tale of bravery, lies, deceit and horrifying comedy...

Adventures with an African scammer - Part 2

My story with my new flend starts with an email that I received out of the blue, about a so-called package that was due to arrive soon.

Mr Chester Williams (even though the original email was not even addressed to him), was very happy to oblige, and contacted Mr Kamwe.

"Kelvin" responded as follows:

Global Courier Service Company
(Federal Government of Ghana Approved Diplomatic Courier Co.)
Corporate Office: Plot 62, D13 Manetville East Airport, Accra Ghana.
Tel: +233 249 141364.

*AIR FREIGHT *OCEAN CARGO *CARGO MOVEMENT*REPACKAGING
*CONTAINERIZATION *WAREHOUSING *CONSOLIDATION
__________________________________________________

ATTN; Chester Williams

WE WISH TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WE HAVE YOUR BOX IN OUR CUSTODY.OUR DIPLOMAT AGENT IN CHARGE OF THE NEXT DELIVERY TASK WILL BE LEAVING GHANA. YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO SEND THE FOLLOWING REQUIREMENT BEFORE YOUR PARCEL CAN BE INCLUDED IN THE NEXT BERGE OF DIPLOMATIC DELIVERY THAT WILL BE LEAVING, ALSO I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THE SECURITY KEEPING FEES BEFORE OUR DIPLOMATIC AGENT CAN CARRY ON WITH YOUR BOX TO YOUR ADDRESS.

BELOW ARE THE REQUIREMENT:
SECURITY KEEPING FEE: $150.00
TOTAL: $150.00
BEAR IT IN MIND THAT WITHOUT OUR SECURITY KEEPING FEE YOUR BOX WILL NOT BE DELIVERED AS SCHEDULED.

YOU CAN SEND THE ABOVE MENTIONED CHARGES VIA WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER WITH THE NAME OF OUR PROTOCAL OFFICER BELOW;
NAME: EMEKA JOHN PAUL
ADDRESS: 34 NEW ACHIMOTA PLAZER,
STATE: ACCRA
COUNTRY: GHANA
TEXT QUESTION: WHAT FOR?
ANSWER: DELIVERY.

WE WAIT YOUR URGENT RESPONSE
YOURS FAITHFULLY,

Mr. Kelvin Kwame
+233 249 142364
Global Courier Service Company

1. YOUR FULL NAME:
Chester williams

2.YOUR HOME OR COMPANY ADDRESS:
P.O. Box 274, Ventersdorp, 2710 [The AWB would be very happy to receive some junk mail from Ghana...]

3. YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER:
+27 082 897 1018 [Eugene Terreblanche’s secretary would be glad to answer the call]

Apparently a string of capital letters makes your email look more authentic? I swiftly sent my uninformed reply to Kelvin:

I don't know what western union transfer is all about. How do I pay the money? Are these Ghana Dollars?

Regards,
chester

I have no idea what currency they use in Ghana, but I am sure that "Ghana dollars" (if that was what they called it) would be worthless in comparison to the trusty old greenback.

I had done my research before I started out on this adventurous journey of discovery. One thing that all these scammers love to use, is Western Union Money Transfer. I wouldn’t know from experience, but apparently it is much easier to disappear with someone’s money if you use WU, compared to using Paypal or credit cards.

Of course, "Chester" immediately claimed to be totally unaware of Western Union or any such fancy stuff. He was a very unexperienced internet user, and extremely gullible, of course.

Kelvin was very quick with his feedback, and he attempted to help poor uninformed Chester with these complex financial matters:

What i mean by western union money transfer is the means you will send the money in the Bank just go to Bank and tell them you want to send money to Ghana through western union and the dollar i mean is United State of America dollar and bellow is the information the will ask you to provide before the can send the money for you

NAME: EMEKA JOHN PAUL
ADDRESS: 34 NEW ACHIMOTA PLAZER,
STATE: ACCRA
COUNTRY: GHANA
TEXT QUESTION: WHAT FOR?
ANSWER: DELIVERY

Thanks and i am waiting to here from you
Mr. Kelvin Kwame

Finally, a small amount of professionalism is being displayed here. Too bad about all those horrific grammar and spelling errors.

It is obvious that this guy is a professional person who can be trusted with international money transfers. Someone who never uses any punctuation marks is sure to be a good reliable businessman - especially if he is from a great place like Ghana...

Chester was extremely happy about this whole proposal, and immediately went to the bank to initiate the transfer of 150 “united state of america dollar”:

Hi Kelvin,

Ive been to the bank, but they wanted more information from me.

They say delivery - delivery of what? I cannot just say delivery.

They also want passport number or ID document of the reciever of the funds, John Paul Emeka

What do I do now? The bank is not very understanding. It also costs me additional fees of $22.50 to use Union bank transfer.

Maybe Paypal is better to use? Or I can mail you a cheque?
Maybe you can give me a call at +27 082 897 1018

Thank you

Regards,Chester

Unfortunately the Big Great White Leader of the AWB did not receive a personal phone call from Ghana, even though I provided Kelvin with this number again - free of charge. This is a total surprise to me, of course...

Kelvin was extremely resourceful, and came up with another great idea:

Dear Chester

Thanks for your mail to me and i was very surprise for the question you said that bank are asking you before the can send the money for you

All i want you to do as soon as you receive this mail is to take the money and go to another bank with this information bellow

NAME: EMEKA JOHN PAUL
ADDRESS: 34 NEW ACHIMOTA PLAZER,
STATE: ACCRA
COUNTRY: GHANA
QUESTION ; GOD
ANSWER; LORD

Go to another Bank with this information and if the ask you tell them you are sending it to a Church do not tell them what you are sending the money for so that they will not try to find out what you are receiving [by the way, what am I "receiving" for my $150?]

Thanks and i am waiting to for the payment information as soon as you send the money [yeah right - keep on waitin, mate]

Regards
Mr. Kelvin

This guy had suddenly turned out to be a very spiritual person with good moral values. “God, “Lord”, and “the church” had now been made part of this great international transaction. I was just waiting for the Holy Mother Mary, Maria Magdalene, Moses and the seven dwarfs to also become part of this scam.

Poor Chester was doing the crucifix-thing in front of his breast while he was thinking about the Holy transaction he was contemplating.

This guy is sharp, isn’t he?

I wonder how much integrity you can build up with a complete stranger if you bring in spiritual aspects, and then tell your new potential “business partner” to use the name of the church in vain? Not good thinking, Mr. Kelvin...

Chester, however, was really in a corner now, and took another sip of the bottle of Holy water on the desk next to his PC. This is serious business, and old Chester needs to prayerfully consider his next move.

Chester is a bit of an idiot with all these fancy international payments. He really wants to pay “Mr Kelvin”, but the banks these days are very careful about shifting funds, what with this whole global recession and all that.

You can read all about what Chester did in the next exciting delivery of this awesome true story...

Adventures with an African scammer - Part 1

I shared this experience with a few of my friends, and they insisted that I turn this into a full-blown media event. So, this is "part one" of a long, interesting, emotional story, filled with romance, violence, corruption, greed and lust. And a lot of exceptionally good humour, even if I may say so myself.

One thing is for sure - all of this is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. The contents in the emails quoted in this story are exactly how they were sent and received. Later on you'll understand why I make this claim.

I have always wanted to try out one of these schemes. They call it scam-baiting. You take on one of these unscrupulous scammers, turn vigilante, and take them for a ride. The vigilante spirit has always been part of my make-up.

You know what I’m talking about: These emails you recieve out of the blue, claiming that you can “enlarge your member and impress the ladies”, or that you have won the Canadian lottery. Or your great-grandmother on your father’s side had just died and left behind an inheritance of US $60 million..

My first customer was someone of Asian origin, although I suspected that he was actually someone from Nigeria or one of those god-forsaken places in Northern Africa. His first email was as follows:

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your prompt response to my mail. I must assure you that this transaction is 100% risk free to you before and after it is been completed.

All I require from you is your maximum co-operation to enable this transaction sail through,the total amount is in united state dollar. I contacted you purely based on the fact that your last name tallies with that of my late client, [at this point, he actually forgot to fill in the name of the so-called client, and abandoned the poor comma at the end of the sentence]

Concerning the legal aspects of this inheritance claim,you have nothing to worry about.With all my years of experience as a legal practitioner,I can authoritatively and confidently assure you that all aspects of this transaction are totally safe before and after the transaction is completed and has no hazards whatsoever.

I was the legal representative/adviser of the deceased, and according to law,this entails that I am mandated to take care of all legal aspects of his business even though he is no longer alive. Based on facts available to me,my deceased client,had no next of kin to inherit the money he left behind.The bank is asking for the next of kin of my late client for claims otherwise the money will be confiscated.

But due to the fact that i am the only one who is aware that my client had no next of kin, I decided to carry out a research to find someone with similar last name as my late client,this is actually my reason for contacting you. [All righty then, just tell me who this client actually was?]

This transaction is expected to be completed in the next 10 banking working days with your full cooperation .Therefore a high level of seriousness and trust is required from you to enable us proceed on this transaction.

It is pertinent to equally let you know that all legal angles has been carefully examined before I contacted you,so that both parties can be legally protected.

You must not entertain any fear [bwahahaha], as this transaction is going to be legally documented in your name at the Malaysia high court. All the formal documentation of this fund in your name will be done with the court here in Malaysia where this fund is lodged.

Upon your favorable response, I will send to you,my international id card other related documents backing this transaction. High degree of trust is required from you to enable us sail through this transaction ,this will be completed in the next few banking days with your co-operation and carefully following my advice and instructions.

I am prepared to offer you 40% of the total funds for your assistance input to claim and keeping this money safe in your Country 60% will be for me.

However, if you are ready to do this business with me,I advice you to call me any time of the day my phone is a call forwarded line, you can call on:011-60-142-672-398 or 60-142-672-398 for proper briefing on this transaction.

Best regards
Chong Wong.

I replied to him:

Dear Chong,

Thank you for sharing this deal with me.

Please send me the ID and other proofs before I continue. You know, we can never be too careful these days. Just the other day someone tried to fool me into giving away me credit card details. I cannot fall for that again, that person stole more than $15000 from me that time, and I still cannot find him. [This is what we call “luring him in” - I just need to mention loads of money that I threw away a while ago, because I'm so gullible]

I did not know that I had family in Malaysia. My uncle had some relatives who moved to Usbekistan long ago, maybe they ended up there. What was the name of my beloved namesake? Maybe i can find out what side of the family he was from.

Be quick to repsond, I am very anxious about this transaction.

Regards,
FHK

I called myself Filemon Hadsome Kamagabe, and I even boasted a real genuine Gmail account with that same name.

My new friend Chong answered as follows:

I must assure you that this transaction is 100% risk free to you before and after it is been completed .All I require from you is your maximum co-operation to enable this transaction sail through,the total amount is in united state dollar.

You must be able to keep this transaction very confidential till the total fund is transfer to your account and any body who have access to the attach documents that might be forwarded to you in nearest future will automatically have access to the fund. [Oops- then I probably shouldn't post it on my blog?]

To guarantee this payment or transaction to you i have decided to attach my personal i.d card ,upon receive of the below information i will forward to you my late client death certificate. [I'm still wondering who this "client" was?]

Once i receive all the below information's from you via email attachment,l will send you a detail email on the next stage of this transaction.

1.A copy of your driver's license or international passport.
2.Your contact phone number/fax
3.Your contact address.

Best regards

Chong Wong.
Attorney

ChamberBlock A4, Level 1

Federal Government Administrative Centre
62612 WP Putrajaya,
Malaysia
Phone No:+60-142-672-398

He was nice enough to send me his ID. I really trust this guy now:

No one would guess this was a fake, would they?

In turn, I sent Mr Wong a fake "Filemon" ID:


Nice piece of artwork, isn’t it?

I googled real hard, and found a place in South Africa where you could phone some friendly girls and have an expensive chat. They are called Lusty Lines Ladies. The fax number I issued, was that of the AWB head office in Ventersdorp, South Africa. For those of you unfamiliar with the AWB, it’s a right-wing racist group in South Africa, similar to the KKK.

Dear Chong,

Please, my eyes are not good, and i have been trying to look at these documents but somethigns they are confusing me. Your name is Chong Wong, which is very short name, but the signatiure on your card seems to be very long one and is starting with S and H and ending with ff. But, it is hard to read clearly. Maybe you could send better ressolution picture of the ID. [I may have pushed a little too hard on these obvious facts...]

Just to be on the careful side, I must be protecting my inheritance here. If you could please send me your barrister qualification, the one that is proof of your being a lawyer, I would be pleased. Just to make sure, I am being very cautioous, as I am not wanting to be dealing with someone who is not truly an attorney. If you are attorney, I know I can trust, becasue you are worthy of being man of the law.

I am sending you my ID card for your perusal and approval.

Thank you.
My telephone number is +27 (72) 075 6701, and my cell phone number +27(82) 897 1018
Fax number +27 (86)559 6205

Address for posting:
Filemon Kamugabe
AWB HK Equality Commission
PO Box 274
Ventersdorp, 2710
Azania,
South Africa

I never heard from Chong again. Maybe he dialled the number, and didn’t like the stuff he was hearing. Or maybe he enjoyed the chat so much, he forgot all about Filemon Hadsome Kamagabe. All this while the dollars ticked off at an enormous pace...

Anyway, I had a few candidates like this one, but none of them really took the bait. Apart from a few scary fake IDs and soppy stories with bad grammar, I had not yet achieved what I had set out to do.

I also realised that it might be a bad idea to send around fake ID’s of "Filemon", as my fakes seem to be of a much better quality than any of the stuff these scumbags could come up with. I wouldn’t want them to seduce other people on the internet with a fake ID of FHK...

I thought about my strategy, and finally decided that this Filemon character is too much African, and this could be the reason for the failure of my experiment. When someone sees an African name like that, he would immediately assume that this person is also a scammer, or this person does not really have enough money to launder away.

What I needed was a good, English name, a name that sounds like this guy could be a gullible white idiot with lots of money.

This is how Mr. Chester Williams was born. A complete new identity, with email address, telephone numbers belonging to the AWB, and the AWB’s postal address just in case.

I can just imagine a guy with a Nigerian accent calling the AWB and demanding to speak to Chester Williams who owes him money - what a scream.

Chester’s new friend was called Kelvin Kwame. Or John Paul Emeka. Or maybe something else - who really knows?

In the next episode I will tell you more about Kelvin - a truly African character.

Long weekend at Guilderton

A while ago I wrote about Guilderton, a little coastal town close to Perth. Well, this weekend was a long one, and I managed to book us into a great holiday home at Guilderton.

We had perfect wheather, and even swam in the ocean, even though it's officially supposed to be winter now.

The sunsets were amazing, and reminded me a lot of my ol' home country.

Great beaches

The Moore river enters the ocean at Guilderton

I also recently wrote about nuclear explosions - for some reason I seem to be arriving at this subject very often. (Maybe it's a sign.)

Anyway, we saw this cloud formation, and it looked like the North Koreans may have just missed us with one of their latest little gifts to mankind. Watching a mushroom cloud appear on the horizon proved to be a good form of family entertainment - i can really recommend it.

Quite convincing, isn't it?